>be normie
>hear about Formula 1
>assume it's a motorsport
>cute
>actually Formula 1 is a traveling international law firm with a side business in motor racing
>eleven teams
>budgets measured in "small country's infrastructure program"
>thousands of engineers
>wind tunnels
>supercomputers
>carbon fiber departments operating like aerospace contractors
>all so somebody can point at another team's rear wing and yell
>"THAT'S NOT WHAT ARTICLE 3.10.8(b)(ii) MEANS"
>race weekend begins
>Friday practice
>cars drive around for a bit
>commentators pretend this is important
>meanwhile three team principals are already filing documents because someone else's floor has a suspiciously jaunty edge
>Mercedes: "Red Bull's suspension is clearly exploiting an unintended interpretation of the regulations"
>Red Bull: "interesting coming from the people whose front wing flexes like a diving board"
>Ferrari: "we believe the FIA should investigate both"
>McLaren: "we have seventeen terabytes of footage proving everybody except us is cheating"
>Alpine: busy suing itself
>FIA releases Technical Directive TD047/B
>nobody understands it
>including apparently the FIA
>teams immediately hire six additional aerodynamicists and one constitutional scholar to determine what it actually says
>Saturday qualifying
>genuinely thrilling session
>cars separated by hundredths of a second
>normies finally vindicated
>"SEE? THIS IS WHAT F1 IS ABOUT"
>lol
>qualifying ends
>P3 driver summoned to stewards
>crime: allegedly crossed white line at pit entry
>P7 investigated for impeding
>P11 investigated for unsafe release
>team representative appears carrying a binder thick enough to kill a man
>BREAKING: Car 16 referred to stewards for potential breach of Appendix L Chapter IV Article 2(d)
>the real race has begun
>Sunday
>lights out
>twenty million-dollar engineering projects scream toward Turn 1
>beautiful
>dangerous
>human beings operating at the absolute limit
>lap 7
>DRS wing on one car moves approximately 0.004 mm more than rival team thinks it should
>entire paddock instantly forgets about racing
>"FRAUD"
>"ILLEGAL CAR"
>"CLEAR BREACH"
>"THIS UNDERMINES THE INTEGRITY OF THE CHAMPIONSHIP"
>camera cuts to team principal staring at monitor like he just detected Soviet missiles over the Arctic
>race continues in background
>one team discovers clever loophole
>technically legal because rules say component must be "fixed" but never define fixed
>engineers spend $14 million inventing object that is simultaneously fixed, moving, load-bearing, non-load-bearing, and possibly a fluid depending on who's asking
>works beautifully for three races
>other teams notice
>emergency paddock summit
>"this violates the spirit of the regulations"
>there is no more terrifying sentence in Formula 1
>translation:
>"we didn't think of it first"
>FIA bans it
>team says ban is unjustified
>rivals say it was obviously illegal
>internet spends six weeks analyzing grainy onboard footage like Zapruder film
>meanwhile Williams quietly finishes P8
>best result in months
>nobody notices because Christian Horner and Toto Wolff are having a televised custody dispute over the definition of aerodynamic influence
>post-race classification appears
>P1
>P2
>P3
>*subject to investigation*
>ah yes
>provisional racing
>three hours later you're at dinner
>phone buzzes
>BREAKING: P2 DISQUALIFIED
>car was 1.3 grams under minimum weight after FIA technical inspection
>entire podium changes while everyone is already at the airport
>normie friend confused
>"but didn't I watch him finish second?"
>you fool
>you absolute child
>the chequered flag is merely the beginning of litigation
>Monday morning
>team announces intention to appeal
>other team files right of review
>FIA publishes 38-page decision
>fans online become amateur barristers overnight
>"Paragraph 47 clearly establishes precedent from Austria 2022"
>"incorrect, that ruling concerned a materially different sporting circumstance"
>"read Appendix 6 you fucking casual"
>nobody remembers who won the race
>next week arrives
>new country
>new circuit
>hundreds of millions in freight and personnel transported across the planet
>all for the noble purpose of determining whether McLaren's brake duct constitutes an aerodynamic device
>occasionally the cars race too
>Formula 1
>the pinnacle of motorsport
>twenty-two drivers
>eleven constructors
>five hundred engineers
>and approximately eight hundred lawyers hiding just outside the camera frame
>hear about Formula 1
>assume it's a motorsport
>cute
>actually Formula 1 is a traveling international law firm with a side business in motor racing
>eleven teams
>budgets measured in "small country's infrastructure program"
>thousands of engineers
>wind tunnels
>supercomputers
>carbon fiber departments operating like aerospace contractors
>all so somebody can point at another team's rear wing and yell
>"THAT'S NOT WHAT ARTICLE 3.10.8(b)(ii) MEANS"
>race weekend begins
>Friday practice
>cars drive around for a bit
>commentators pretend this is important
>meanwhile three team principals are already filing documents because someone else's floor has a suspiciously jaunty edge
>Mercedes: "Red Bull's suspension is clearly exploiting an unintended interpretation of the regulations"
>Red Bull: "interesting coming from the people whose front wing flexes like a diving board"
>Ferrari: "we believe the FIA should investigate both"
>McLaren: "we have seventeen terabytes of footage proving everybody except us is cheating"
>Alpine: busy suing itself
>FIA releases Technical Directive TD047/B
>nobody understands it
>including apparently the FIA
>teams immediately hire six additional aerodynamicists and one constitutional scholar to determine what it actually says
>Saturday qualifying
>genuinely thrilling session
>cars separated by hundredths of a second
>normies finally vindicated
>"SEE? THIS IS WHAT F1 IS ABOUT"
>lol
>qualifying ends
>P3 driver summoned to stewards
>crime: allegedly crossed white line at pit entry
>P7 investigated for impeding
>P11 investigated for unsafe release
>team representative appears carrying a binder thick enough to kill a man
>BREAKING: Car 16 referred to stewards for potential breach of Appendix L Chapter IV Article 2(d)
>the real race has begun
>Sunday
>lights out
>twenty million-dollar engineering projects scream toward Turn 1
>beautiful
>dangerous
>human beings operating at the absolute limit
>lap 7
>DRS wing on one car moves approximately 0.004 mm more than rival team thinks it should
>entire paddock instantly forgets about racing
>"FRAUD"
>"ILLEGAL CAR"
>"CLEAR BREACH"
>"THIS UNDERMINES THE INTEGRITY OF THE CHAMPIONSHIP"
>camera cuts to team principal staring at monitor like he just detected Soviet missiles over the Arctic
>race continues in background
>one team discovers clever loophole
>technically legal because rules say component must be "fixed" but never define fixed
>engineers spend $14 million inventing object that is simultaneously fixed, moving, load-bearing, non-load-bearing, and possibly a fluid depending on who's asking
>works beautifully for three races
>other teams notice
>emergency paddock summit
>"this violates the spirit of the regulations"
>there is no more terrifying sentence in Formula 1
>translation:
>"we didn't think of it first"
>FIA bans it
>team says ban is unjustified
>rivals say it was obviously illegal
>internet spends six weeks analyzing grainy onboard footage like Zapruder film
>meanwhile Williams quietly finishes P8
>best result in months
>nobody notices because Christian Horner and Toto Wolff are having a televised custody dispute over the definition of aerodynamic influence
>post-race classification appears
>P1
>P2
>P3
>*subject to investigation*
>ah yes
>provisional racing
>three hours later you're at dinner
>phone buzzes
>BREAKING: P2 DISQUALIFIED
>car was 1.3 grams under minimum weight after FIA technical inspection
>entire podium changes while everyone is already at the airport
>normie friend confused
>"but didn't I watch him finish second?"
>you fool
>you absolute child
>the chequered flag is merely the beginning of litigation
>Monday morning
>team announces intention to appeal
>other team files right of review
>FIA publishes 38-page decision
>fans online become amateur barristers overnight
>"Paragraph 47 clearly establishes precedent from Austria 2022"
>"incorrect, that ruling concerned a materially different sporting circumstance"
>"read Appendix 6 you fucking casual"
>nobody remembers who won the race
>next week arrives
>new country
>new circuit
>hundreds of millions in freight and personnel transported across the planet
>all for the noble purpose of determining whether McLaren's brake duct constitutes an aerodynamic device
>occasionally the cars race too
>Formula 1
>the pinnacle of motorsport
>twenty-two drivers
>eleven constructors
>five hundred engineers
>and approximately eight hundred lawyers hiding just outside the camera frame
1
