There’s an event coming up that I have to go to in Orange County. I saw on the guest list that a lot of people I used to hang with when I first moved to Cali will be attending.

Not all southern Californian women are this way, but I have historically been intimated by a lot of them in a super superficial way. I don’t think I owned a tube of lipstick when I moved here and a lot of the women I was hanging around already had cosmetic surgeries or procedures. They also knew how to dress, do their makeup, and hair and I never felt pretty standing next to them.

Now it’s 15 years later and I haven’t seen a lot of them in a while. I’m choosing to age naturally, but it fucking gets to me sometimes and I’m nervous that basically I’m gonna look like an old hag compared to everyone else and people are gonna be like “wtf happened to Noshole?”

The event is not about me though and I was not aware how insecure apparently I still am. This does not come up in my day to day because my husband makes me feel like a damn rockstar and I’m just more comfortable in my natural form.

I’m embarrassed that I’m even capable of feeling this self conscious over something so ridiculous, but I can’t turn it off.