I get the snark, but "page has to load on device in expensive city"... where is the human? The main audience of a website isn't a phone.
I know I've said this a lot, but I think about the NHS digital...
"Your use case is, there's a fourteen year old in an emergency room at 3 AM. English is their second or maybe fourth language. They have a battered school Chromebook or a hand-me-down Android device that was the cheapest thing on the market six years ago or a PS Vita their parents don't even realize has a web browser, and they're trying to educate themselves in the middle of the single most terrifying night they've ever experienced. Your site needs to work for that person at that moment."
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