I am deeply sorry for your loss and sadness. It is incomprehensible and surreal. My condolences and best wishes. You wrote beautifully. I am worried about you. Please reach out for help. Please speak with a psychologist about what happened and how it has made you feel. A psychologist is like a physiotherapist of the mind. Your burden is too heavy for one man to carry by himself. Please feel free to reach out to me as well. I can listen.