This note is more of a journal entry allowing me to vent my current frustrations. Please excuse my negativity. Please do not let it ruin your day.

I've been thinking a lot about some fears I have. Some of which I'm beginning to think may be perpetuated by past trauma. Fears that have been with me for a decade.

I'm in my thirties now and think this fear has held me back greatly. Almost as if I sacrificed a great deal of my youth that was my twenties due to this fear.

The fear stems from my epileptic seizures. I've been afraid of travel and adventure because of this. I'm restricted in my access to easy travel because of this because of concerns with driving. I have some folks in my life who are always offering me transportation, but even this does not solve my problem.

Something as simple as going to the store which would be a 5 minute drive is a 10-15 minute bike ride. In the Summer, not much of an issue, weather permitted. In the Winter, the cold temperature with strong wind make it demoralizing. I can do it. I sometimes do, but I wouldn't use the word easy.

I'm afraid to be alone not for the sake of loneliness, but in case I might fall down once more while surrounded by strangers. To wake up once again in an ambulance being taken somewhere unknown to me by strangers in uniforms. Then given a costly bill for something I never asked for. Even worse when I wake up early enough to tell the strangers to leave me where they found me.

I'm afraid that one of these times will be a time in which I do not wake up. I'm afraid of that, too.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm tired of saying this to myself.

Fear.

#epilepsy