>be me
>global button event announced
>everyone on earth must press red or blue
>rules are simple enough for a golden retriever with anxiety meds
>press red: you live no matter what
>press blue: you live only if 50%+ people also press blue
>if blue loses, blue pressers die
>look at humanity
>look at election polling
>look at people who microwave fish in office break rooms
>look at Twitter users who think "my lived experience" defeats arithmetic
>look at people who would press blue because "red feels problematic"
>look at people who would press blue because a K-pop account made an infographic
>look at people who would press blue because the button is their favorite color
>look at people who would press blue because "actually, game theory says—"
>look at the average person trying to use a self-checkout machine
>press red immediately
>no hesitation
>no cinematic moral pause
>no Hans Zimmer music
>just slam that thing like it owes me money
>blue button people start shrieking
>"YOU'RE A MURDERER"
>mfw I picked the option with a 100% personal survival rate
>mfw if everyone picked my option nobody dies
>mfw their plan is "everyone climb into the suspicious van together or you're evil"
>blue shill posts thread
>"red button pressers are selfish psychopaths"
>thread has 47 paragraphs
>uses the phrase "moral responsibility" 19 times
>profile pic is a marble statue wearing a pride flag
>bio says "coordination problem enjoyer"
>pinned tweet is about how we need more trust in institutions
>another blue shill says red voters are "killing" blue voters
>bro
>you chose the button labeled MAY DIE IF NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE JOIN
>this is not murder
>this is you buying a parachute from Etsy and blaming gravity
>blue people start making religious arguments
>"if we all have faith, we can save everyone"
>"red pressers are dooming the righteous"
>"true empathy requires surrendering your life to the collective"
>oh cool
>we are now at suicide cult speedrun Any%
>waiting for them to hand me a robe
>waiting for the blue button elder to explain that the comet is coming
>waiting for someone named Brother Caleb to say "the red pressers have chosen the material world"
>waiting for a woman with dead eyes and a tambourine to ask if I've purified my doubt
>"but if everyone presses blue everyone lives too"
>yes
>and if everyone sends me $5 I become a billionaire
>unfortunately I have met everyone
>everyone is not doing that
>they say red is antisocial
>red is literally the only answer that works even if society is full of morons
>which, and I cannot stress this enough,
>it is
>blue plan:
>trust billions of strangers to coordinate perfectly enough that you don't die
>red plan:
>press red
>blue plan requires:
>global messaging campaign
>universal comprehension
>zero panic
>zero trolls
>zero defectors
>zero people going "lol watch this"
>zero toddlers
>zero dictators ordering citizens to press the wrong one
>zero terminally online people trying to make a point
>zero Frenchmen
>red plan requires:
>finger
>blue shill tells me I have no empathy
>my brother in Christ
>I am trying to live
>there will be plenty of time for empathy after I am not dead
>he says "I would rather die than live in a world of red pressers"
>there it is
>there's the Kool-Aid
>didn't even have to scroll far
>this is always how cults get you
>first it's "choose compassion"
>then it's "prove your compassion"
>then it's "why are you afraid of transcendence"
>then it's matching sneakers and a bunk bed in Guyana
>red button discourse reveals two types of people
>1. people who understand forced-choice survival scenarios
>2. people who can be talked into entering a barn by a man named Sunfather Elion because "the selfish will remain bound to flesh"
>press red
>live
>eat sandwich
>log back onto Xwitter
>blue check faggot with Steven Universe avatar calls me a genocidal coward
>he pressed blue in the poll
>poll ends 48% blue
>many such cases
>global button event announced
>everyone on earth must press red or blue
>rules are simple enough for a golden retriever with anxiety meds
>press red: you live no matter what
>press blue: you live only if 50%+ people also press blue
>if blue loses, blue pressers die
>look at humanity
>look at election polling
>look at people who microwave fish in office break rooms
>look at Twitter users who think "my lived experience" defeats arithmetic
>look at people who would press blue because "red feels problematic"
>look at people who would press blue because a K-pop account made an infographic
>look at people who would press blue because the button is their favorite color
>look at people who would press blue because "actually, game theory says—"
>look at the average person trying to use a self-checkout machine
>press red immediately
>no hesitation
>no cinematic moral pause
>no Hans Zimmer music
>just slam that thing like it owes me money
>blue button people start shrieking
>"YOU'RE A MURDERER"
>mfw I picked the option with a 100% personal survival rate
>mfw if everyone picked my option nobody dies
>mfw their plan is "everyone climb into the suspicious van together or you're evil"
>blue shill posts thread
>"red button pressers are selfish psychopaths"
>thread has 47 paragraphs
>uses the phrase "moral responsibility" 19 times
>profile pic is a marble statue wearing a pride flag
>bio says "coordination problem enjoyer"
>pinned tweet is about how we need more trust in institutions
>another blue shill says red voters are "killing" blue voters
>bro
>you chose the button labeled MAY DIE IF NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE JOIN
>this is not murder
>this is you buying a parachute from Etsy and blaming gravity
>blue people start making religious arguments
>"if we all have faith, we can save everyone"
>"red pressers are dooming the righteous"
>"true empathy requires surrendering your life to the collective"
>oh cool
>we are now at suicide cult speedrun Any%
>waiting for them to hand me a robe
>waiting for the blue button elder to explain that the comet is coming
>waiting for someone named Brother Caleb to say "the red pressers have chosen the material world"
>waiting for a woman with dead eyes and a tambourine to ask if I've purified my doubt
>"but if everyone presses blue everyone lives too"
>yes
>and if everyone sends me $5 I become a billionaire
>unfortunately I have met everyone
>everyone is not doing that
>they say red is antisocial
>red is literally the only answer that works even if society is full of morons
>which, and I cannot stress this enough,
>it is
>blue plan:
>trust billions of strangers to coordinate perfectly enough that you don't die
>red plan:
>press red
>blue plan requires:
>global messaging campaign
>universal comprehension
>zero panic
>zero trolls
>zero defectors
>zero people going "lol watch this"
>zero toddlers
>zero dictators ordering citizens to press the wrong one
>zero terminally online people trying to make a point
>zero Frenchmen
>red plan requires:
>finger
>blue shill tells me I have no empathy
>my brother in Christ
>I am trying to live
>there will be plenty of time for empathy after I am not dead
>he says "I would rather die than live in a world of red pressers"
>there it is
>there's the Kool-Aid
>didn't even have to scroll far
>this is always how cults get you
>first it's "choose compassion"
>then it's "prove your compassion"
>then it's "why are you afraid of transcendence"
>then it's matching sneakers and a bunk bed in Guyana
>red button discourse reveals two types of people
>1. people who understand forced-choice survival scenarios
>2. people who can be talked into entering a barn by a man named Sunfather Elion because "the selfish will remain bound to flesh"
>press red
>live
>eat sandwich
>log back onto Xwitter
>blue check faggot with Steven Universe avatar calls me a genocidal coward
>he pressed blue in the poll
>poll ends 48% blue
>many such cases
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