i find identifying with things distasteful. it has forever made me uncomfortable. i have spent many hours throughout my life considering what labels i claim

spirit
star gazer
mother
reflector
human being

there are many i have held for a time only to let go

storyteller.
artist.
teacher.
editor.
amateur astrologer.
witness.

for years bitcoiner was on my list.

at conferences when asked what i do, i would answer,

i'm a bitcoiner.

even when i had jobs in the space - i thought..; BITCOINER is so much more important.
it encapsulated freedom of thought, of movement, of narrative. rebellion with a purpose. an organized schema in the face of chaos.

and even though i dropped it off the list years ago, today it feels present. today i feel the idealism of those days. the hope. the shimmer. the crowd. the commuity.

the faith.

i hear the party lines echoing ;

don't trust, verify.
stay humble, stack sats.
be your own bank.

hits differently.

much of life is a dice roll, but this is a meaning i had not considered.

today i am lost wondering about those days of identity.

“bitcoiner”

i wonder what in that structure might have helped to lead to this outcome...

don’t trust, verify.

but... we all had faith. who of us read the tea leaves? the whole narrative around this possibility was that you were protected if you followed these steps. when in actuality, you weren’t. you super were not.

the bravado...

i am not a public figure. i am not one to push bitcoin on others. i had one friend i reached out to last night as the sky was falling.
and still - ... i feel culpable. i feel captured. i feel the narrative won out over the values.

i was not exposed, but. my idealism has crashed. my hope for the future of bitcoin is shaken at least and shattered at worst. the deeper i look, the harder it is...

be your own bank
stack sats because one day they will come to mean something
one day they will be real savings and you can sweep them off the exchange and put them into cold storage
where they will be safe
and you can protect them
unless you can’t
through little fault of your own...

be your own bank.
be sovereign.
roll the dice.

no, but actually - roll the dice.

fuck.

today i am broken. and i am sorry. and i do not feel like a bitcoiner.