I played piano at an open mic night last night.

I’ve played in front of people twice before.

Once at my best mates wedding a decade ago. That was the thing that made me actually learn instead of the half cocked tinkering I was doing up until that point.

And the second time maybe seven-ish years ago at an arts event, I played a song I composed with a contemporary dancer.

I’ve avoided it because the fear is so intense. As soon as I look at the keys it’s like they melt together.

Was literally tearing up in the minutes before. Had to inhale ONE TWO THREE and exhale ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX because if I didn’t my mind was a big storm of WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE AND FREEZE AND HAVE TO SIT THERE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE IN A FREEZE

All of my biggest fears have been to this effect: what if I freeze and lose the capacity to express myself?

The notes didn’t melt. I even made a mistake and had to stop and course correct. Laughed it off. It didn’t slam my nervous system into a hole. I stayed in my body.

I am so chuffed.

#nostr #GM #plebchain #pleblife #facingfear