My wife just stopped and said, 'You weren't even listening, were you?' I thought, 'That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.'

What's got 8 eyes and 8 legs?
8 pirates.

Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
Caddy: 'Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth.'

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I'll pass the test.

FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time... Your body takes a screenshot.

My wife just called: Three girls in my office just received flowers, and they're absolutely gorgeous.

I replied: That's probably why they received flowers.

News just in...

The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines...
She's a Singer-Songwriter.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts?

Annette

Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife's coffee every day?

Yep, it's right there in Hebrews.

I bought a grenade today from a pawn shop.
Things went terribly wrong when the cashier asked for my PIN.

My friends claim I'm the cheapest guy they know... I'm not buying it.