Watching television news is like standing in the pouring rain and looking at an unpitched tent while it lay in a mudpuddle.

GUESS HOW MANY EMPLOYEES I HOPE WILL SAY 'GOOD MORNING, SIR!' WHILE I'M SHOPPING.

GO AHEAD PICK A NUMBER

YOU GET ONE GUESS

I've noticed that, as an impoverished man, any amount of domestic outsourcing is viewed with condemnation, but the gilded castles and red carpeted halls for butlers and maids whose names are never learned inspire envy, awe and revery.

Internet Approved™

women who narrate mundane events from the third person, intentionally violating pronoun syntax by starting a sentence with 'him' instead of 'he,' get cuntpunched by richard simmons on a daytime talk show.

if I am elected, that is.

THE FOREST IS MY REFRIGERATOR
A FLAT STONE, MY TABLE
YOU, MY DINNER

at the strip club with paper wallets

I AM FAR TOO OLD TO BUY IN TO THE INAUTHENTIC AFFECTED SPEECH CHARACTER THAT YOU ARE PRESENTING

AIPAC to launch GoFundMe alternative

Fundraising bar starts at 90% and says 'get us over the hump'

Eligibility requirements: Must be a resident of Washington DC, Hollywood, NYC, or Ben Shapiro

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF OUR CITY:

I RISE TO SPEAK ON THE NOTION OF 'ZONING'

OUR ONCE PROUD NATION, GUIDED BY FOUNDING VISIONARIES INSPIRED BY THE LIBERTY PROTECTING, GOVERNMENT LIMITING TRADITION OF THE MAGNA CARTA, AND THEIR CONTEMPORARY REVOLUTIONARY COUNTERPARTS IN FRANCE, AND THEIR ADMITTEDLY PROTECTIONIST, FEDERALIZING, NATIONALIST INCLINATIONS AND WILLINGNESS TO FRACTIONALIZE THE VOTING RIGHTS OF NATIVES, ODDLY, WISELY HELD SACROSANCT THE UNIMPEACHABLE RIGHT TO PROPERTY AKA THE FRUITS OF OUR LABOR AKA FREEDOM TO EARN, AND TO BUILD, AND TO STACK ACHIEVEMENTS.

IT IS IN LIGHT OF THIS TIMELESS WISDOM THAT I URGE THE COUNCIL TO EMPHATICALLY VOTE NAY ON THE PROPOSED RESOLUTION TO MANDATE SPECIFICALLY COLORED MAILBOXES.

Ready to settle down / almost dead