Here's my sketch of not yet polished little essay-confession on the topic of: #DETACHMENT and #THERAPY.
called: "Detachment is hell of the work"
Don't read it, it's not light, nor funny.
But what you can do, please send it who might need it. Thank you.
"
Seeing your parent as separate human being is the most difficult task anyone can do, especially children from abusive families where these relationships are much more complicated.
It's amazing to me how many people would not only support but defend their abusive parent. But I was the same.
It can be all wrapped up as loyalty.
We want to be good people and in fact most people are, you are the good kids: your parents raised you and you have decent amount of gratefulness.
When one person start to see their parents in more neutral way, more detached way, seeing parents almost as a strangers- it almost feels like betrayal. As if we're owning them something for the rest of their life.
It's not true.
At some point you can go freely, contact your parents less, not inform them about everything etc.
But when it comes to the perception shift in the way one see their parent: it's huge challenge.
You can be around them and when your feelings start to change and you start to see them as separate, different than you adult with their own dreams, hopes, knowing them very well and feel and seeing them in different way - that it's almost as betrayal or as if someone done something wrong.
But you're doing great. This is actually very great and courageous.
Suddenly you can feel or you're capable to articulate: "This was a woman/man who raised me". The sentence that can feel awkward for some, and revolutionary for others. And I can imagine for other almost offensive: "No, it wasn't JUST woman, she was my mom."
OK, ok, I get it, really. I understand it to the core.
I know few people like that. I know myself. I remember myself- I was the same.
During my own therapy one of the most repeated "topic" was my mom.
"I can't leave her" I repeated and I hadn't been in house for years! I moved out after high school straight up to uni. But in my head? It took years to detached.
It can mean you would feel tremendously alone.
Or again: as some form of betrayal - at least that's how I felt.
The emotional roller coaster is out of this world.
It's difficult.
We have strong bonds that can't just simply be described or even explained. It's really energetic cord, we are "made" of our mothers, they carried us, gave us life. It's not that easy to break the cord abd stand nearby. Close, but nearby, separate, detached-it's really a process.
It feels as if you would cut your own part off.
I mean it can feel as if you would die but nothing happens.
What's fascinating is that in the moment of even trying to cut the cord, your mom can suddenly call you up, show up, suddenly be closer.
Moms feels it. It's that strong. Mom's intuition is very strong.
But because it's strong it doesn't mean it's good.
It can be very damaging relationship.
And even when the relationship with your mom wasn't good, it still difficult. She loves you and have done everything she could to raise you.
Most people from not-so- healthy- families don't want to even try. Further more - they will defend their parents as if they protect their lives.
You can assess yourself. But be honest, don't lie to yourself.
Ok, little confession here:
During my therapy my therapist had been seeing my attachment, and often asked me if I'm sure that my mom was so "innocent" (as if free from guilt) and I couldn't answer, I couldn't see otherwise.
You see, we as a humans we really have difficult time to see the truth. It can hurt as hell.
And later on I even started to blame my therapist for even suggesting it. But then I thought: no, she is good therapist, she had more than 22 years of experience, she met more people like me and even worse (I'm sorry :)) I mean real addicts, I've never been addicted) so for sure she see something I can't see...
She saw it. Straight up.
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Detachment is hell of the work.
But it can be easier today.
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HOW IT CAN BE EASIER?
The thing is we live in times where the gap, the entire hole caused by removing the cord can be easier to fill in, easier than ever before. The grief can be easier to stopped while living in more open society, where travelling is easier, where we have many great older woman on social media.
CDN...
