I was in a shared, open-plan office this morning and one guy was sitting at his desk having a therapy session over Zoom, so everyone could hear him.

No, just *no*.

I’d almost rather he was sat there, foot up on the desk, cutting his toenails.

People don’t say “full of piss and vinegar” as much as they used to, which seems a shame.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/full_of_piss_and_vinegar

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/piss%20and%20vinegar

Oh no, Ann Widdecombe is dead.

*takes out party blower from desk drawer, blows it once, returns it to drawer*

This moth ventured into my house earlier. Does anyone know what type it is? #moths

Switzerland is all like, “Je haben una square flag, motherfuckers”. 🇨🇭

If you find a strange huge blob of guts, fat and bones in my living room, it’s because I have cringed myself inside out.

Thousand island dressing is ketchup and mayonnaise.

Marie Rose sauce is ketchup and mayonnaise.

Fry sauce is ketchup and mayonnaise.

Burger sauce (including Big Mac sauce) is ketchup and mayonnaise.

Mayochup is ketchup and mayonnaise.

Salsa golf, an Argentinian sauce invented at a golf club, is ketchup and mayonnaise.

French cocktail sauce is ketchup and mayonnaise

Japanese aurora sauce is ketchup and mayonnaise

The basic building blocks of the Universe are ketchup and mayonnaise.

Fuckit yeah fill Mars with cockroaches in scuba gear, whatever, just let me die in peace.

https://www.newscientist.com/article/2531894-remote-controlled-cockroach-swarm-can-now-breathe-underwater/

Sure the world is mostly shit, but I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a toddler in the trolley who had a gingerbread biscuit with a panda face on it and she was absolutely fucking ecstatic about it.

She kept shouting “Banda, Banda” then proceeded to put the biscuit on her head and said “Banda on head, oh no!”

The sky. Anywhere else is a real concern and you should report it to your local Dean Martin.