On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.

On the Fediverse, everybody’s pretty sure you’re a cat.

Four-year-old: Where are you going?

Me: I have to pick up Philip’s birthday present and some toilet paper.

Four-year-old: You can’t wrap a birthday present in toilet paper!

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a sick ollie.

What do you call an instance that has #AltText on 97% of its images?

A GOOD START.

Good work, Beige.party.

Back in my day, posts used to federate to other servers using carbon paper. They were really hard to read if you didn't press "boost" hard enough.

I was @-mentioned in a spam/phishing post along with hundreds of other accounts. And now PEOPLE ARE REPLYING.

You know the absolute lightbulbs at work who reply-all to all-company emails?

They're here. They're on the Fediverse.

A historically-accurate movie of Home’s Odyssey would be two hours of a blank screen.

Send toot.

"But you didn't say anything!"

SEND. TOOT.

Outside of the Iliad and Odyssey, Homer is perhaps best remembered for inventing scoring in baseball, which to this day bears his name: the Homer un.

I want to see ‘The Odyssey’ in IMAX, the way Homer intended it.

In human communications, there is a time and a place for emoji. And that is almost literally anywhere, all the time. I refuse temper my speech, to hide my personality, to limit the range of expression to a mere 26 letters.

Your Honor.

Time to tap into the Strategic Bullshit Reserve.