Nostr is slow because it needs to load every single note, often multiple times. Tor is plenty fast enough to load and engage with text blogs, especially if you only have to load one at once.

Like respawn in a game

No, don't be paranoid. The internet connection is absolutely essential since the urinal doesn't have the processing power to run a proper machine vision model. And I'm sure there is also a good reason for their two year data retention policy.