They and them are literally just the non gendered version of he and she.

What is actually frustrating you at least I assume is that people are demanding you refer to them by the second person pronoun of their choice when that's not how our language works.

The only time you're meant to call someone they he or she is when you're talking about them to another person.

Like "hey, you should meet my friend they/he/she have similar interests"

You are not meant to address people directly as he she him her they or them.

Like you don't say "hello him/her/them how are you today"

Thats the issue, and when you speak online about someone publically they are able to read it and they get offended that you called them something other then "what they identify as"
But it's not up to other people to dictate which second person term you use, it's between you and the person you're talking to that decide which word.
That's what's happening right?
Sorry for how I'm rambling I'm not going to bother reading over it and changing shit I'm just typing as I'm thinking so I hope this comment made sense