Bryan Johnson, the ex-Mormon billionaire who is most famous for monitoring his son’s erections when he sleeps now wants you to know that his doctors really want him to stick things in his ass. I imagine the monologue goes something like this: “Doctor, I absolutely don't want to stick anything in my ass, but I hear rectal thermometers are more accurate. Oh jeez they are? Christ, I don't want to stick anything in my ass. Like, at all. I'm a completely straight man that monitors my son's erections. I just wonder if I am truly committed to taking my temperature. I mean, I’ve put a lot of money in this whole biological monitoring technology thing. I have a fiduciary duty to my investors."

"Okay my doctors are right. I cannot betray all the investors. I just have to stick things in my ass.”

“Let me take my temperature while monitoring my son's penile plethysmograph.”

“Not getting a good reading. going to have to take more measurements. Different angles.”