You are a human being. It's ok to be deeply sad, in fact I think everybody should be and it's astonishing that most are not. Which of course doesn't help my mood. I found comfort in a lonely but true life. I don't need nobody's approval today, whatever I do, I do it because I can stand by it. And if society needs me to do something that is against my will - I comply, but slowly, throwing sand and playing dumb. Agreeing and not complying is a good strategy. Abandon all hope is another - nobody can disappoint no more. Assume that everybody is acting selfish and you will be surprised by the goodness of some souls. Be open, but only to those deserving, no need to let yourself be slapped on both cheeks. That ends on the cross, which is a silly belief anyway - if you do good, good exists. Btw you are on the way, just not on the beaten track, and you are not alone.