For some reason I'm gonna say this out loud here. Maybe I should make another NSEC and then say it into the void, but whatever.
I've lived a pretty good long life already. I did pretty well in a lot of ways. I was successful. Had a family... paid off a house. The last few years surprised me, swept me off my feet really.
A series of difficult events happened over a period of a few years. None of them are then end of the world, I think, at least not for most people. And probably most people could handle all of them, but I don't think I'm most people, I guess. Big things, deaths, illnesses, financial burdens.
It all broke me. Pretty bad, really. It's just about wrecked my faith. It's definitely wrecked my relationships and my ability to just do the easiest things. There aren't really easy things anymore for me.
Some days are better than others. Sometimes I even think I'm headed in the right direction after the real peak of the difficult years.
And some days are like today.
I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps to get out of this. And I don't really trust anybody anymore. The amount of energy it takes to just be with one person, much less a group, is overwhelming.
I decided to go to a men's group at my church tonight. It was good. I'm sure several people had a good time. There was pizza. And I know some of those people... and some of those people are people who truly love me. I know that too. There's nothing wrong with those people or the church. But I'll pay for going to that for the next few days, probably. A debt I don't understand and don't really know how to pay. It's PTSD of some kind, I guess. I've talked to some therapists. For the most part that goes very badly every time. It sends me pretty deep into the darkness. It all kind of feels like a catch 22.
Anyway, I just wanted to say it. I'll probably not be responding to this. It's pure selfishness just posting it for whatever reason. Most likely I'll instantly regret it lol, but you know, you can't really delete shit off nostr. I suppose I'm just hoping someone will understand, but that's crazy. I don't even understand. So I wouldn't even know how or if someone else did.
Tomorrow will probably be a better day. Hopefully I get my truck back. A lot of upgrades to it. Which means some serious downgrades to my back account, but it's cheaper than a new one, I think.
If you read this, I thank you. And I hope you have a terrific evening or day, whatever time it is where you are.
I've lived a pretty good long life already. I did pretty well in a lot of ways. I was successful. Had a family... paid off a house. The last few years surprised me, swept me off my feet really.
A series of difficult events happened over a period of a few years. None of them are then end of the world, I think, at least not for most people. And probably most people could handle all of them, but I don't think I'm most people, I guess. Big things, deaths, illnesses, financial burdens.
It all broke me. Pretty bad, really. It's just about wrecked my faith. It's definitely wrecked my relationships and my ability to just do the easiest things. There aren't really easy things anymore for me.
Some days are better than others. Sometimes I even think I'm headed in the right direction after the real peak of the difficult years.
And some days are like today.
I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps to get out of this. And I don't really trust anybody anymore. The amount of energy it takes to just be with one person, much less a group, is overwhelming.
I decided to go to a men's group at my church tonight. It was good. I'm sure several people had a good time. There was pizza. And I know some of those people... and some of those people are people who truly love me. I know that too. There's nothing wrong with those people or the church. But I'll pay for going to that for the next few days, probably. A debt I don't understand and don't really know how to pay. It's PTSD of some kind, I guess. I've talked to some therapists. For the most part that goes very badly every time. It sends me pretty deep into the darkness. It all kind of feels like a catch 22.
Anyway, I just wanted to say it. I'll probably not be responding to this. It's pure selfishness just posting it for whatever reason. Most likely I'll instantly regret it lol, but you know, you can't really delete shit off nostr. I suppose I'm just hoping someone will understand, but that's crazy. I don't even understand. So I wouldn't even know how or if someone else did.
Tomorrow will probably be a better day. Hopefully I get my truck back. A lot of upgrades to it. Which means some serious downgrades to my back account, but it's cheaper than a new one, I think.
If you read this, I thank you. And I hope you have a terrific evening or day, whatever time it is where you are.
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