My husband has convinced me that we should both leave the living room when our cat lies on his back and wanks himself. I don't mind giving him privacy but I'd like to know whether he wanks claws in or claws out.

I have a favourite teaspoon, it's different to the rest. I don't let it do horrible jobs like making coffee. Only nice jobs like ice-cream. Can't decide on a name for my spoon, help me. I'm a gym going middle-aged man who looks like a bouncer.

Ever since I switched from WFH to going back into the office, sex with my wife has improved. It's probably because I'm not home alone all day wanking.

I retired today. My first project is to visit every tube station I've never used and have a meal at a nearby restaurant or café. First stop is Grange Hill, where I hope to eat a massive sausage.

Wife and I have a thing, if one of us turns a light on the other will hiss like a vampire. Had to rein that in after we were alone in a lift when the doors opened to the bright afternoon sun and I instinctively hissed at the bewildered middle-aged woman stood waiting.

Every time I have to give my email at a hotel or shop for promotions etc , always give the email add of my local Reform MP.

When the kids were young, I'd do a slow mo run to the microwave, saying 'noooo' and stop it with one second to go, thus saving the entire planet from disintegration. They're all grown up now but when no-ones around, I still do it. You're welcome btw, me saving your lives.

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

Uncle recently died. As a kid I thought he was quite a cool hippy type person. Just before his death he was saying that people in boat crossing the channel should be shot, plus other racist shite. The small inheritance I received gone straight to RNLI

I put up a "beware of the dog" sign after we were burgled. Our Irish Wolfhound put her paws on the burglar's shoulders as he tried to get in through a forced window. She licked his face until he backed out again. Her tongue obscured his face, so the cops couldn't use the video.

A band insulted me, the local audio guy, all day, literally threw stuff at me. Promoter was just absent. I may or may not have put a pitch shifter on the singers in ear monitoring. People walked out, demanded refunds at the door because it was so bad.

I'm the captain of a navy warship, and my family, which has a proud history of naval service, thinks I joined to continue the tradition. I actually joined because I like Star Trek and this is the closest I can get to being on the bridge of the starship Enterprise.