Just completed financial crime and fraud training online for work, can claim 30 mins for training time. It's my area of expertise so I did the course in 5 mins including the quiz, and will claim 30 mins, which is "fraud".

My partner kept complaining about the bedroom temperature. I bled the radiators, checked the thermostat, etc, still got grief. Put a connected thermometer in there and wrote a script to poll it every couple of hours and write it to a file. I can never use this evidence.

I'd always planned on getting a job in a funeral directors' business as I like quiet and expected that dead people wouldn't keep yakking on. I had no idea how many living people I'd need to work with. Needless to say, they all wanted to prattle on, so I left.

I stay in hotels regularly for work. Every night without fail, on retuning from the bar, I reverse every single 'do not disturb' / 'please make up my room' sign that I come across while walking to my own room.

I had kids around 30. My best friend had his around 40. He spent those 10 years having a great time, holidays etc. Used to rub it in as I was stuck at home. Now my kids are flocking the nest and he's knee deep in shitty nappies and soft play, . Not so funny now is it you cunt.

I do my laundry naked, so that all of my clothes will be clean at the same time.

When I get a 2FA sent to my phone, I imagine that I'm saving the world from a disaster. I memorise the code and type it fast. I celebrate when I get it done in just a few seconds. Then I imagine spies watched the whole thing and were impressed and need me on their spy team.

When I tell girls I'm in a band: sexy. When they realise it's a brass band: less so apparently.

Care home worker here. Residents getting handsy is all in a day's work but I had one well-off widowed gentleman who would always ask first. Apparently I was the only one who said yes because he left everything to me and not his children who never visited.

My neighbour has very loud, pornstar like sex once the pubs have shut at weekends. Our bedroom windows are 2 feet apart, so I have to hear it in full HD. I've resorted to playing Baby shark through my speaker on the window ledge to ruin the mood.

Was interested in a girl in my class but was too shy to ask her out so I found out where she lived and shopped for groceries so I could arrange "accidental" meetings. Reorganised my schedule a lot for that. I stopped because she knew nothing about Star Trek.

I'm a 58-year-old widowed dad of two kids and a golden retriever. My kids, youngest is 8, think I might have a bowel condition. Truth is I frequently say I need the toilet just so I can sit down and have five minutes' peace. Currently sitting on the toilet writing this.