Got my foreskin trapped in my zipper after a wank. Couldn't get it out. Called 111. They said to go to hospital. Half a dozen nurses and doctors took a gawk but couldn't release the zip, so they called in the fire brigade. Overall 12 people in total were amused by my zipped knob.

I've sewn simple pockets to the side of my bedsheets with a slit at the bottom for a charging cord. It's perfect for tucking in a mobile phone and the duvet hides it perfectly. Only it's not for my phone; it's for my vibrator.

My Grandad is convinced a seagull called Sally has been stalking him since the 70s because he destroyed her nest. Although it sounds mad I secretly believe him, especially after I took him for lunch & a seagull swooped at his head & he shouted back "when will this end Sally?"

My wife has a favourite pillow that is a bit firmer than mine. When we have an argument I swap our pillows round to make her pay.

Returned home to find police at my door, someone broke into the shop downstairs, when I identified myself they called off the search in the garden for my body, they said they looked upstairs where I lived and said there were "signs of a struggle." I thought it was reasonably tidy

Left the UK at the end of Covid for pastures new. Five years later, now a full national & EU passport holder. Seeing how other countries news media portrays the UK and laughs at the hugely stupid mistakes it has made have completely vindicated my decision.

While I know they aren't bad to have in your home, I don't want arachnid flatmates. But putting them out in the cold will kill them. So I gather up spiders I find in my home and pop them through the letterboxes of my neighbours.

In Thailand me and my mate booked a room but Aircon was an extra charge. Being tight we said we didn't need it, big mistake! But the room still had the Aircon unit, without the remote. So I Googled how to switch it on manually and got free Aircon, showed others how to do it too.

Nursery manager. The past 18 years I've seen so many babies take their first steps and not said anything to their parents apart from "I think they're so close to walking!" Then I act all surprised when they report that their little one finally took their first steps at home.

I'm an artist and I hate the amount of commission galleries charge. If you like one of an artist's pieces, wait until after the exhibition and approach them privately: you'll get the picture for half the price and the artist will make more money.

I just learned of a benefit to aging and I'm 100% overusing it. When you're around young people, they do things for you! You ask. They get up and do it. Would you be a dear and get me _______ . They'll do it! I'm only 58 and I can get those dummies to do anything.

Apologies to anyone who downloaded a LimeWire song called "LinkinPark_Numb_FINAL_REAL.mp3" only for it to be me farting in the bathroom.