Honestly, it's conditioning: most social events involve unpleasant sensory stimuli, so *of course* you learn to hate socializing because it is directly connected to actual discomfort & even pain.

I think some (but not all) of the problems I identify as problems with interacting with other people are actually problems with *other* things that make many social situations painful & unpleasant.

Perhaps I have a knee jerk negative reaction to being asked to do things with people because of how unpleasant the experiences & environments actually are.

I really hate how sensory discomfort affects my social life.

I think it's much worse than I even realize. I think there are a lot of times when I am absolutely miserable, but I haven't realized yet how uncomfortable I am, because I have trained myself to ignore it as much as possible.

Maybe if I stop forcing myself to ignore my own discomfort I can learn better how to relieve, or even better avoid it.

And maybe if I pay careful attention I can start to identify "safe" places & activities more clearly to be able to say "I can't go to that event but I could do this, this, or this."

I probably need to have a "No" list for the things that are exceptionally bad. I'll be tempted to make it longer than I probably should, but I would not hate having a few things identified where I can say "nope, that one's a hard boundary. I hope you have fun! Invite me next time you're going somewhere pleasant!"

By the way, if you have similar struggles & don't care to categorize them as "disabilities", that's fine. That's a loaded word for many people (and you may even wonder if you have the "right" to use it), but for me applying it to myself helps me just a little with accepting & honoring my limitations.

Even if I haven't made it to emotional acceptance yet, speaking in terms of disability helps me contextualize my experience. It's a thing about me that causes me difficulties navigating the world.

So there's the disability & the shame about the disability, & they are not easy to separate.

I want to become the sort of person who just courageously takes care of her sensory needs, even when it would be "rude" to do so.

I want to be a person who knows her limits & doesn't allow herself to be pressured to ignore them.

But first I would have to actually accept the legitimacy & seriousness of the needs in question.

This is what's so fucking complicated:

I made a thread about how sensory struggles impact my social relationships, & it makes me question the emotional component: why does it suck so bad to need disability accommodations? Why do I feel so unable to even express my needs in that context? Why do I think it would be so fucking unreasonable to leave something if I'm feeling unwell? Why do I feel so much pressure to perform happiness when I am NOT okay?

It's completely reasonable to teach a child to feel terrible about expressions of discomfort & unhappiness. Right?

I'm sure that wouldn't be especially traumatic to a highly sensitive child who experienced pretty much everything (both sensory & emotional) in a very heightened manner.

That wouldn't teach her to hate herself for who she is.

Noooo.

It's fine.

(Reader, it was not fine)

I used to think that I was a really shitty person because after a day of total sensory overload, I would start to show outwardly that I was tired & unhappy. Sometimes I would even say something slightly snippy in an annoyed tone, you know, like an absolute MONSTER of a human being would do.

I still FEEL like a shitty person when that happens now.

I'm not being judged for it as harshly as I judge myself, but I still feel pressure to somehow make myself feel better so the activity can continue.

Sometimes I feel bad for being so "reclusive", but I actually suffer a lot of discomfort that a lot of other people clearly don't.

Busy public spaces are often hellish for me. Even on good days when I am really enjoying myself, dealing with the flood of sensory information rapidly drains my battery. It's simply not reasonable to be expected to constantly ignore that discomfort to be sociable.